


Lost Without You

by GORMIE



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, This is kinda really sad, but it gets happy, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-03-27 05:45:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13874421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GORMIE/pseuds/GORMIE
Summary: Clarke and Lexa grew up together. Costia, Clarke’s onlder sister, and Lexa were best friends. Their parents were very close friends. They lived right next door to each other. They started dating in high school and it was amazing. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Until everything goes to hell.ORA tragic event occurs and Lexa is sad until it gets better again*please don’t hate me*





	1. October 2017

Lexa sat at her desk facing the window as she watched the rain fall outside. The rain started this morning and had only gotten worse throughout the day. 

Lexa hasn’t moved for a full five hours. She has been sitting in her study since she got up this morning at 3 am. Truthfully she didn’t sleep at all last night. She hasn’t slept for the past week really. 

Lexa heard the doorbell ring but didn’t get up. She heard another ring followed by a knock. Still she left it be. A few minutes later she heard a key slide into the lock and the front door open. 

There was the sound of footsteps down stairs and then a knock on the door frame of the study. Lexa hadn’t felt the need to close the door since she was all alone, now she thinks it would have been better. She would maybe have had more time to compose herself, but she didn’t. 

“Lexa?” comes a concerned voice from behind her. However, Lexa doesn’t move. She says seated facing the window and her back to the door. 

More footsteps, then someone appears in her peripheral vision. Lexa turns her head and is greeted with a sad smile from her best friends face. 

Costia slowly brings her hand to wipe the tears from Lexa’s cheeks. Lexa is then pulled into a warm hug. Lexa wouldn’t describe it as warm though. Nothing in her life has felt remotely warm for almost a year now. 

Costia soon feels Lexa shaking against her then her ears are filled with the sobs of her best friend. Costia begins to feel tears in her own cheeks after awhile. 

The two girls sit like that for about 30 minutes until they both calms down.

Costia pulls back from the embrace and asks, “Do you want to get ready now?”

Lexa gives a small nod in reply. 

The blonde helps her friend up from the chair and out of the study. Lexa is then directed into the bathroom and told to shower because Costia said, “You smell like you haven't taken a shower in a week.”

“Actually it’s only been four days… I think,” Lexa replies jokingly.

———————

Lexa is ready after about another 45 minutes and the girls are out of the door by 9:20. They are a bit behind schedule but Lexa doesn’t care too much.

They are heading to the Griffin house to celebrate Costia’s sister’s birthday. To celebrate Clarke’s birthday. Lexa doesn’t understand why they are going this, she just wants to curl up into bed and cry. She doesn’t want to go to a party, especially not a party in Clarke’s childhood home. 

Even before they arrive Lexa knows exactly who will be there. Jake and Abby because it is their home along with Clarke’s little brother Aden. Lexa’s own parents will be there. So will her sisters Anya, Tris and Madi. Lincoln and Bellamy will be there. Clarke’s two best friends Octavia and Raven will be there. Costia’s boyfriend Roan will probably be there. Everyone that Lexa grew up with will be there. Everyone but Clarke.

———————

They pull up at 9:46. When they enter the front door most people give Lexa a hug. Abby pulls her into the tightest one. They are late by 16 minutes but no one seems to mind. 

Everyone has somber or sad expressions on their face. ‘Why wouldn’t they?’ Lexa thinks. ‘The whole reason they are here is because they are celebrating Clarke’s birthday. Clarke, whom everyone says is gone but I know she is still out there.’ 

Clarke Griffin went missing ten months ago. Five months ago the police reduced their efforts and four months ago they stopped looking. They only rely on the very rare tips from the public. They held a funeral and buried an empty coffin three months ago. They decided to have this ‘party’, if you could call it that, so everyone can be close for this sad occasion. Except Lexa doesn’t want to be ‘close’, the only thing she wants is Clarke.

At around noon lunch is served. Lexa doesn’t feel like eating so she heads upstairs. She reaches the top and turns right. The last door at the end of the hallway on the left hand side is the one Lexa enters. 

Lexa looks around and nothing has changed. The walls are still a deep navy and covered in drawings and paintings and sketches. The desk is still littered with art supplies. There are still clothes thrown on the chair in the corner. In another corner there are still the stacks and stacks of old sketchbooks under an easel with a half finished painting on it. The mirror is still covered with pictures of Clarke and her friends. On the nightstand still sits a framed photo of Lexa kissing Clarke on the cheek. The room even still smells of Clarke even though the girl hasn’t been in the room for over a year.

Tears soon start to slip from Lexa’s eyes. Before she knows it her feet carry her over to the bed and she curls up on it. Lexa clutches onto a pillow that smells of her love and starts to sob. 

Lexa cries for hours until she falls asleep and no one disturbs her. She cries until she falls asleep. Lexa is exhausted. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since Clarke went missing. She is drained emotionally and physically.

———————

Everyone leaves around 7 pm. Everyone but Lexa. 

Abby came into Clarke’s room at around 8 pm to find Lexa clutching a pillow and tear streaks down her face. Abby takes a blanket from the chest at the foot of the bed and lays it over her. She kisses Lexa’s forehead and leaves the room. 

When Abby wakes up the next morning she first heads to Clarke’s room. She finds it empty and as if Lexa hadn’t even been in there.


	2. April 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning a bit about Clarke’s situation from her point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know that I said that this would come out probably next week but I got an idea and I just ran with it. I hope you like it even if it is kind of sad. 
> 
> Just an FYI this is set about six months after the first chapter took place.
> 
> Enjoy!

Clarke sat on the cold metal curled up in the corner of the room. She doesn’t know how long she’s been here. She thinks it has been a few months, but has no way of knowing. There are no windows in this room so she can’t tell if it is day or night. She doesn’t know where she is or what these people want with her. She doesn’t know who took her. She doesn’t know what they look like or how many of them there are. They have never entered the room once. Clarke gets a tray of food three times a day and that’s it. She doesn’t know why. She doesn’t know anything about the situation she is in really. 

There is only one thing she knows for sure. Clarke knows that all she wants to do right now is to close her eyes and to wake up have this all been a dream. Or a nightmare really. She wants to be able to wake up with the arms wrapped around her not being her own, but Lexa’s. 

Lexa.

Clarke misses her so much. She can’t imagine what Lexa is going through in this whole situation. At least Clarke knows that Lexa is alive. Lexa probably has no idea.

Tears soon being to fall from her eyes. No sobs come out because she had no voice. She lost it due to all the screaming she has done in her time here. Screaming for help, screaming to be let go, screaming for her family, screaming for her friends. Screaming for Lexa. 

Clarke wishes she could go back to that day. If she could she would have let Lexa pick her up. She wouldn’t have told herself that she could just walk. Oh how she wishes she could change her stupid decision.

———————

1 year and 4 months ago

Clarke was in her sophomore year of college and was studying to major in Art History. Lexa had started working at her mother's company, Woods Inc., earlier in that summer. Together they got an apartment that was close to both the campus and Lexa’s office. 

It was a regular Thursday night, Clarke had just finished her last class of the night and pulled her phone out to call Lexa. After the second ring Lexa picked up.

“Hey beautiful,” Lexa greeted her in a sleepy voice.

“Hey, did I wake you?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah it’s fine though… I was just taking a nap. It was a long day. Are you done? Do you want me to come pick you up?”

“No, no. I’ll just walk. It’s only like 5 blocks. I’ll be fine.”

“Clarke, it’s a mile to the apartment from that side of campus… and you hate any form of exercise. I’ll just come get you.”

“Not aallll forms of exercise” Clarke corrected while wiggling her eyebrows even though Lexa couldn’t see.

“I’m coming to get you… stay where you are.”

“Lex, I’m fine. Just go back to bed. I’ll be home in like 15 minutes.”

“It’s getting dark out and the news said it’s supposed to snow. Really, I can just come pick you up.”

“Alexandria, go back to bed now. I am already walking and it would be pointless. I will see you in 10 minutes. Okay?”

“Fine. 10 minutes or I’m calling the police.”

“I love you”

“I love you too”

“Bye”

“10 minutes Clarke.”

“Bye Lex,” and with that Clarke ended the phone call.

She was halfway home when Clarke got the feeling of being followed. When she turned around however there was no one there. ‘Must be my irrational brain trying to scare me’ she thought.

Clarke turned back around and kept on walking. She didn’t make it another 30 feet before she felt an arm snake around her front and a prick on her neck. 

The world around her started to fade. Darkness was creeping in on the sides of her eyes. Clarke struggled to keep them open but it was no use. Panic started to set in and soon she couldn’t see anything. 

The last thing Clarke remembered thinking was about two bright green twin orbs that looked like they had swallowed a forest.

———————

Present

Clarke was scared out of her memories when the regular tray of food was suddenly pushed through the slot. 

Clarke doesn’t feel like eating but knows she has to. She has to keep going. She has to get back to Lexa. 

Clarke slowly crawls over to the tray and begins to pick at the food. She eats about half of it and then sets it back in the slot. 

She crawls back in the corner and tries to fall asleep. There is no furniture in the room so she usually curls up in a corner just like tonight. Clarke is exhausted so sleep comes to her unusually quickly. That night, just like every night, Clarke dreams of a life she once knew. She dreams of her love. Clarke dreams of Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what did you think? 
> 
> I know that Clarke’s kidnapping isn’t really explained in this chapter but it will be soon. I promise.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. July 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have added dates to the chapter titles just so you can see what is happening in the time line

Lexa is sitting in Clarke’s room once again. For some reason whenever she is at the Griffin house she ends up here. Even when they were kids Lexa would end up in Clarke’s room with her for some reason or another. 

The last two years have been different, though. Lexa still comes to the Griffin house regularly. She still ends up in Clarke’s room. It’s just she is the only one in the room. 

Clarke isn’t there with her. Lexa doesn’t hear laughter filling her ears or see that beautiful smile. It’s not the same. Not without the golden hair and bright blue eyes filling her vision while in this room. 

Lexa doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting there. All she knows is everyone downstairs is happy and celebrating and she can’t be a part of that. Lexa may look happier but she’s not. She’s just gotten better at hiding. She puts on a mask and wears it until she is alone. When she is alone she lets the mask fall.

That’s exactly what she is doing in Clarke’s room right now. She is sitting on the bed looking at some of Clarke’s drawings while tears run down her cheeks.

All she wants to do right now is leave, go home, curl up in bed and cry. But she can’t. Not today. 

It’s Costia and Roan’s engagement party. Her best friend just got engaged and all she can feel is sadness. 

Lexa wants to be able to look at her best friend and be able to be happy for her. To be able to share in her joy and celebrate with her. 

But Lexa can’t.

She can’t because when she looks at Costia and Roan she sees what she will never have again. Lexa looks at the newly engaged couple and sees a future she will never get with Clarke. She sees the wedding she will never have. She sees the chance of calling Clarke her wife slip through her fingers. She sees children that will never be born. 

Lexa sees a future that was destroyed after a stupid phone call, after a dumb decision to just go back to bed. She shouldn’t of listened to Clarke. She should have picked her up anyways. 

Lexa then begins to think back to the morning her whole world changed.

———————

1 year and 7 months ago

After her phone call with Clarke, Lexa did as she was told. 

She got up off the couch from where she had been napping and headed to the bedroom. She changed into a sleep shirt and shorts and climbed into her side of the bed. 

Lexa tried staying awake, she really did. Clarke would be home in 15 minutes and she just wanted to make sure she got home safe. But, Lexa just couldn’t keep her eyes open. She had such a long day and right when her head hit the pillow she was knocked out.

When Lexa awoke the next morning, she knew something wasn’t right. She had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that was beyond horrible. 

Lexa hadn’t yet opened her eyes but she began moving towards Clarke’s side of the bed only to find it empty and cold. This was strange in and of itself because Clarke was never the first one up, like ever. 

Immediately Lexa sat up and realized that the other side of the bed had not been slept in. 

She bolted out of bed and scrambled into the guest room to see if Clarke had slept there for some reason unbeknownst to her. It was empty. Lexa began running around the house checking every room for any sign of Clarke. She even checked the closets. 

Clarke was nowhere though. 

Lexa soon began scrambling around to find her phone. First Lexa logged into Clarke’s find my iPhone to see where she was. However, the location was unavailable. She then proceeded to try and call Clarke a total of about 50 times with no answer. That got her even more worried.

Lexa then decided to see if Clarke had just spent the night somewhere else. She needed to see if Clarke was at Raven’s, or Octavia’s, hell maybe she was at her parents house. Lexa didn’t know.

After looking for it for a solid five minutes she finally found it right where she left it on her nightstand in the bedroom.

The first person she called was Raven. She didn’t pick up so Lexa called again.

“Lexa it’s 7:30 in the morning, what the hell do you want?” Raven said as she answered the phone.

“Have you seen Clarke?! Is she with you!? Did she stay over at your house last night?!” asked Lexa. It all came out way more rushed and panicked than she expected but Lexa was freaking out.

“No. Why? Did she not come home last night?” Raven asked concerned and suddenly so much more attentive than she was 10 seconds ago.

“I… I… I don’t know. She wa… wasn’t in bed when… when I wo… woke up and she isn’t here. I tri… tried calling her but… bu… b…” Lexa couldn’t finish as she started sobbing uncontrollably into the phone. She tried explaining it to Raven but she was shut down immediately.

“Lexa calm down for a minute. I’m going to call Octavia just to see if Clarke is with her. Then I’m calling Anya and she is going to come over to your place okay?” Raven asked tentatively. 

“O… okay.” And then the phone went dead.

Lexa immediately began calling Clarke’s phone again and again with no answer until Anya showed up 30 minutes later. 

Meanwhile, Raven called everyone Clarke knew and came up with nothing. 

By the end of the night everyone was over at Clarke and Lexa’s apartment and the police had been notified. 

———————

Lexa was interrupted from her depressing memories by a knock on the door. A moment later the person Lexa least expected to enter the room did. Tris.

Tris was the youngest of the Woods family, even if Madi was only older than her by mere minutes, and never really had a great relationship with any of her sisters, but especially Lexa. Their personalities were too similar that they always ended up screaming at each other.

“Can I come in?” the 16 year old asks.

Lexa wipes the tears from her face and slowly begins to nod.

Tris entered the room and closed the door behind her. 

“What are you doing up here?” Lexa asked bluntly.

“I don’t know really. Just wanted to get away from everyone I guess.”

“Hmm,” was all Lexa gave in reply.

Tris lowered herself onto the floor and sat down. They sat in silence for a while. It was probably the most calm discussion the sisters had had with each other. Then Tris decided to break the silence with a question that Lexa had been asking herself for a while now.

“Do you think she’s still alive?”

Lexa was taken aback by the question bu decided to answer anyways no matter how much the answer hurt her.

“I don’t know… I hope with everything I am she is but I just don’t know.”

“I hope she is too.” Tris said bluntly.

“Why do you care?” Lexa snapped.

“Clarke was the sister I never had. Obviously I have you, Anya and Madi but none of us ever got along. Anya and I are just too far away in age, you hate me, and Madi just always ditches me for Aden. I never really had anyone. One day after school Madi and Aden both ran off with their friends and I was walking home alone. Clarke was supposed to pick up Aden and found me instead. She asked where Aden was and I told her that he and Madi had already left and she told me to get in. That day Clarke took me to get ice cream and we just talked. We kind of bonded and for the next three years up until she started college, every Tuesday we would go get ice cream. It became our weekly routine. It was nice having someone to talk to, to have someone talk to me. Clarke helped me realize that I shouldn’t hate myself and that it’s good to be me.” 

“I… I had no idea. Clarke never told me that,” was all Lexa could say in reply.

“I don’t think Clarke ever told anyone. I didn’t either so it explains why you wouldn’t know.”

“Yeah. That explains it.”

That sat in silence again after that for a few minutes. This time it was Lexa who spoke first though.

“I’m sorry that you felt like we were never there for you. I mean like Anya, Madi and me. I know we don’t get along at all really, but I’d be happy to listen to you if you want. Also, I never hated you Tris.”

“I don’t think it would be the same you know. Clarke just had that way about her. I wish she was here.”

Those last five words tore threw Lexa like nothing else had before. Tears started to spill from her eyes like a dam broke. Slowly sobs started to escape her and she couldn’t hold all the emotion back anymore.

Tris got up from her spot on the floor and slowly walked over to her older sister. She laid a hand on Lexa’s shoulder and when she didn’t flinch away began to wrap her arms around her. 

Lexa sobs into her sisters arms for a good 20 minutes. All while Tris sat on the bed with her and rubbed soft circles to her back. 

After Lexa calmed down a bit more she went to the ensuite and cleaned herself up. When she exited Tris was gone and Lexa had slipped her static mask back on. She went down stairs and joined the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until next time!


	4. September 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse of Clarke again and another flashback

Clarke is once again sitting in the corner of the room curled up. This is how she spends her days now. She still has not had any contact with anyone. She still has no idea what she is doing here. She doesn’t know how long she has been here. 

The situation is still all unknowns. 

Clarke’s meals recently have gotten reduced from three a day to two. She doesn’t know why. They just have.

Clarke knows she needs to hold. She knows that she needs to get back to Lexa. Clarke needs to keep going for her. 

But she doesn’t know if she can. Clarke feels as if she has lost herself. She has lost the girl who used to spend everyday laughing or smiling surrounded by her friends and family. They girl who would run off to paint or draw or sketch something because it inspired her. The girl who was loved unconditionally by a girl she loved just as much. 

Clarke isn’t that girl anymore. She is a shell of that girl. She no longer laughs, just silently sobs. She no longer smiles, just has tear streaks down her cheeks. She is alone. She sits in a corner all day doing nothing. She still loves Lexa and hopes Lexa still loves her. But she has nothing. 

Clarke gets caught up in memories of the past most days. It is her only form of escape from this torture she lives. Not physical torture, it’s all mental. Having been isolated in the barren room for so long does stuff to Clarke’s head. The only way she has stayed sain is by remembering what her life used to be like.

Clarke thinks of happy memories. Times when she and her siblings went on vacation with their parents. Times when she would hang out with Octavia and Raven. Times when Raven would cheer her up by making some snarky remark if she was sad. 

But mainly she thinks of Lexa. How whenever they were together, it was the best moment of her life. Everyday she fell more and more in love with her. 

Lately Clarke has been daydreaming about the day that Lexa kissed Clarke for the first time. It seems so long ago now.

———————

8 years ago

The entire Griffin family had gone on a small road trip to visit some colleges with Costia. They brought Lexa along too because she was also a senior in high school and Costia’s best friend. 

They were almost done but had one more school, Polis University, to take a tour of the next morning. It was only a two hour car ride away from their homes, but they decided to just spend the night in a hotel and then get up, take the tour and then drive home. 

It was around 10 pm and everyone was back in the RV, yes Jake Griffin thought it would be a good idea to not just take a road trip but a road trip in an RV, asleep. Clarke couldn’t sleep so she went outside and found a patch of grass, layer down, and then started to just stargaze.

She was there for a little while when she felt someone lay beside her. It was Lexa.

They didn’t say anything, just laid there and watched the night sky in silence.

“I always used to want to be an astronaut,” Lexa said in a hushed voice breaking the silence.

Clarke just hummed in reply.

“I would look up and always wonder what the earth looked like from up there. It seemed like it would be more peaceful.”

“I don’t know. I kind of like the crazy down here on earth,” Clarke retorted.

Lexa laughed and then responded, “Of course you do!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Clarke asked mock offended. 

“It means that you are crazy,” Lexa said as she leaned to the side and started tickling the blonde laying beside her.

“Lexa… Lex… st… stop it… I can’t breath,” Clarke squeezed out in between laughs.

Lexa’s hands came to a stop but neither girl seemed to notice. Clarke was still breathless due to the forest green eyes staring into hers. They weren’t next to her anymore, now they were above her. At some point while Lexa was tickling Clarke she had straddled the younger girl.

They stayed like that for a few moments. Never breaking eye contact or the silence that surrounded them.

Clarke’s heart was beating so fast that she was pretty sure Lexa could hear it.

Without even thinking Clarke leaned up and captured Lexa’s lips with hers. The kiss was slow and gentle. Clarke felt as though her entire body was going to explode. It was like everything within her was set on fire when Lexa’s lips connected with hers. 

Lexa was the one to pull away first. The two girls didn’t separate too far though as their foreheads still rested against each other. 

Lexa got off of Clarke’s lap and laid back down. Clarke was disappointed to say the least until she felt Lexa’s arm start to pull her closer. 

They laid there for another hour or so in the quiet of the night. Clarke had her head laid on Lexa’s chest and Lexa kept her arm around Clarke.

Both Clarke and Lexa danced around their feelings for the other after that night, but eventually couldn’t the anymore. That summer, before Lexa left for college, the two girls started dating. 

———————

Present

After a while Clarke draws herself out of her own head. 

She begins to wonder how long she has been in this room. She thinks maybe a year. Clarke can’t know for sure. She lost track of time a while ago. 

Clarke falls asleep curled up in the corner, again, thinking about if she will ever get out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next few chapters it is going to become more clear what the circumstances behind Clarke’s disappearance are and where she is/has been. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!
> 
> Until next time ;)


	5. February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter there is a little but more insight into what Lexa is like after losing Clarke, not just the sadness we have seen. Also a little bit of Costia and Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy :)

Costia turned around as she heard her mother enter the room. Abby stood there smiling at her, then proceeded to walk towards her.

“Oh honey, you look beautiful. I can’t believe my little girl is all grown up,” Abby said while getting teary-eyed. 

“Thanks mom.”

Abby wrapped Costia in a tight hug and held her tight. Costia squeezed back with equal fever.

“I wish she was here…” Costia said so quietly that Abby almost thought she imagined it.

“I know me too,” her mother replied. 

“She would probably be making such a big deal about how somehow Roan and I got married before her and Lexa did.” Costia said followed by a watery laugh.

“Awe sweetie don’t cry,” Abby said dabbing tears from her daughters face. “She would be so happy for you. You know that right?”

“Yeah… I just… it doesn’t seem right to be doing this without her. When we used to talk about our weddings when we were little we always said that we would be each other’s maid of honor and now… It’s just not how I pictured this day happening.”

“Costia,” Abby said trying to grab the bride’s attention. “Clarke is here with us right now. She’s right in here. You just have to remember that,” she finished saying while pointing to Costia’s heart.

Abby pulled her daughter back into a hug and they stayed like that for a few minutes.

“Also, Clarke wouldn’t be making a big deal about how you got married first, because she and Lexa probably already would be. She would just be rubbing it in the she’s younger than you and still got married first.”

Costia laughed in response and pulled back from the hug, “You are probably right about that.”

“Honey, I just want to say how proud of you I am. And, just because you are getting married in just over an hour does not mean that you are exempt from family dinners. It just means you have to bring Roan now. Well that’s really not anything different, he is already there most of the time, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah mom I get it. Thank you.”

“Okay I have to go make sure everything is in order. You look gorgeous and I love you. You good here? Need anything else?”

“No thanks. Love you.”

“Love you too. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Bye mom. Thank you.”

And with that Abby exited the room.

———————

Abby came across Lexa about 5 minutes afterwards. The younger brunette was sitting at the bar with her suit jacket laying across the countertop and nursing a glass of whiskey. From what Abby could tell Lexa had only drunken about half of what was poured and it was her first glass.

“Lexa,” Abby said softly not wanting to frighten the girl.

Lexa turned around slowly to look at Abby. She acknowledged the older woman with a slight bob of the head but turned around to stare blankly at the wall as she had been before Abby interrupted her.

“You should probably get your suit jacket on, the ceremony will start soon.”

Lexa hummed in acknowledgment but didn’t move.

“What’s going though your head right now?”

At that Lexa turned to face Abby and the older woman could see the pain in those green eyes.

“I was just thinking about how this could be my wedding if…” Lexa started to get choked up but managed to squeeze the last few words out before crying, “if Clarke were… were still here.”

Lexa had tears streaming down her cheeks and her body was rattling from silent sobs. Abby wrapped her in a hug and whispered reassurances. 

“Clarke loved you with her whole heart Lexa. She would want you to be happy. She wouldn’t want you to sit her on your best friends wedding day and be sad. She would want you to celebrate life.”

Lexa began to calm down but was still clinging to Abby as if the older brunette was an anchor. 

“I know how much you miss her. I miss my baby girl so much. You were the light of her life Lexa and I think if she were here that this wedding would still be Costia and Roan’s because you two would already be married. If she were here and you guys weren’t already she would probably be yellin at you to propose already.”

Lexa let out a watery laugh at that.

“But… she’s not. And life can’t stop because of that. We can’t make any new memories with Clarke, but we can remember all the old amazing ones. You can’t do that though if you don’t continue in the world of the living.”

“Thank you, Abby.”

“You’re welcome. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just really needed that talk.”

“Ready to go watch Costia get married now?”

“Yes. I think I have to check on the bride first though. Have to complete my maid of honor duties and all.”

Lexa got up and put on her coat. Abby fixed her crooked bow tie and leaned in for a hug. 

“Thank you,” Lexa whispered.

“You don’t have to thank me Lexa,” Abby replied as she pulled away from the hug and basically pushed Lexa towards the door. “Go, we have a wedding to start.

———————

The wedding ceremony went off without a hitch and now guests were slowly arriving at the reception.

Lexa sat at the table watching the scene before her. 

People were entering the room being greeted by Abby and Jake. Everyone had a smile plastered onto their face while finding their seats, or talking to someone, or getting a drink. Everyone was happy.

Lexa is not happy though. She still hides behind her mask. She still pretends that she is fine. People have even begun to believe when she says she’s okay now. Maybe they just decided to leave her alone and let her be. Or maybe it’s because she just got better at faking it. 

Definitely the second one.

Lexa goes about her days with little to no emotion. She gets up in the morning and works out. She showers and goes to work. She comes home and orders take out. Then goes to bed and starts all over again. Lexa doesn’t live, she just survives.

Some nights she will cry herself to sleep some nights or wake up from a nightmare about Clarke with tears spilling from her eyes. These are few and far in between though. 

On rare occasions, like in the bar today with Abby, Lexa will express her true feelings. She will talk about them with someone out loud. Normally though she buries it all deep inside herself. 

Today she has replaced her usual static mask for one with a small smile. It isn’t real though. It should be, she should be happy. But the smile is just another mask she put on at the beginning of the day.

‘I should be happy right now,’ Lexa thinks. ‘My best friend just got married. I’m at her wedding reception, how am I not happy right now?”

But Lexa knows the answer to that. She hasn’t been happy for 2 years, 3 months, and 27 days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m thinking about the next chapter being an insight into how everyone is handling Clarke’s absence. But I mean tell me what you think. Do you want to see that?
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoyed. :)


	6. October 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is like double the length of normal. Please don't expect them to be this long in the future, it was just what it came out to be.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It’s Clarke’s 23rd birthday.

She has been missing for almost three years now. 

The first year after she went missing everyone was together. They thought it best so that they could be there to support each other.

The second year everyone was also together. It had started off well, but then there was an incident, because of that, they thought it best if they navigated the day by themselves. Some people spent the day isolated. Most had formed small groups and got through the day together. 

Costia was one of the few that isolated herself. 

Roan gave her the space he knew she wanted. He hadn’t really known Clarke all that well. The only interactions they had were always brief. So, he decided that it best to leave his wife alone knowing that when she was dealing with somethings she just needed time to herself. This was definitely one of those moments. 

Costia just sat around her and Roan’s apartment all day. She didn’t eat or drink. She didn’t talk. Didn’t do much of anything. She just sat around thinking. When she got tired of one spot in the apartment, she would move to another but that was it. Just thinking and moving all day long. 

She thought about Clarke and what life would be like if she were here today. 

She thought about where her Clarke could be or if she was even still out there. 

She thought about the relationship her and Clarke had as sisters. How it was like any normal sister relationship. They fought all the time over the dumbest things but, in the end, they loved each other.

She thought about how she should have told Clarke that more. That she loved her.

She thought about how she should have been a better big sister and been there for Clarke and protected her.

She thought about her best friend and wished she could take the pain that Lexa constantly felt from the loss of Clarke away.

She thought about her fight with Lexa last year.

She thought about how much her comments hurt the other girl and that she should have never said them. Even though she apologized and they both moved on, things were not quite as they once were.

 

\--------------

 

Exactly 1 year ago

They were once again at the Griffin house.

They were once again celebrating the birthday of Clarke, even though she wasn’t there and celebrating was not the term most would use to describe the situation. 

Lexa was actually downstairs for this gathering. It is the first one she hasn’t run away from almost immediately since the disappearance. 

Everyone is sitting in the living room talking about memories they have of Clarke and the stupid, crazy, laughable and loveable things she would do all the time. 

There was a lot of laughing and a lot of crying. 

Unsurprisingly Lexa eventually couldn’t handle it anymore. She excused herself from the situation.

What was surprising though was that she did not head upstairs towards Clarke’s old bedroom. She headed towards the kitchen.

Costia noticed this and got up to follow the brunette. 

Costia reached the kitchen a little bit after Lexa did, but the green eyed girl did not acknowledge her presence. 

Lexa was leaning up against the counter with a glass of water in front of her. She chugged the glass and set it back down on the counter. Lexa stared at the glass even though it was now empty. 

Costia was watching all of this. Soon she saw small droplets of water hit the granite countertop. She started to walk slowly over to her best friend but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard a voice that was utterly cold and filled with little to no emotion.

“Just leave me alone Costia.”

The blonde looked at the other girl with sadness in her eyes but also anger.

“Look Lex, I get that you are grievin-” but she was cut off and didn’t get to finish.

“I said, leave me alone Costia!” said Lexa with a bit more determination.

“No!” said Costia in a strong tone.

Lexa was taken aback by this and didn’t have time to counter before Costia continued, “You are not the only one grieving Lexa! You aren’t the only one that lost Clarke that day! We all did! Everyone here lost Clarke on that night!”

Lexa was infuriated by these comments that Lexa was making.

“I DIDN’T LOSE CLARKE!” she shouted, “CLARKE ISN’T GONE! SHE IS STILL OUT THERE! WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY SHE IS GONE! SHE’S NOT! SHE’S COMING BACK!”

“WELL SHE WOULD STILL BE HERE IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU LEXA!”

Costia knew from the moment she said those words that they should have never left her mouth. 

Lexa stood there shocked and with a face so full of pain that Costia knew that she had definitely damaged Lexa beyond any physical object could do. 

Lexa had already been shattered to pieces by Clarke’s disappearance, but Costia’s words had obliterated her.

Costia watched as the brunette slowly turned and exited the kitchen heading for the front door. 

Costia just stood there watching Lexa go. She did nothing.

As Costia walked back into the living room some time later, everyone fell quiet. They had all heard her and Lexa’s fight. 

Costia looked around the room and noticed that Anya was missing. She assumed that she had went after Lexa.

“I… I think I’m going to go.”

Roan popped up from his seat and said, “I’ll just get my coat and-”

Costia cut her fiance off and said, “No. I just need some time by myself for a little while.”

He had accepted that and sat back down hesitantly. 

Costia grabbed her keys and coat and left. 

 

\--------------

 

Costia never truly forgave herself for the comments she made that day. Even though Lexa might have, she could bring herself to. What she said was in a time of pain and grief yes, but it wasn’t acceptable. Lexa was not to blame for her sister’s disappearance. She should have never said those things.

But, alas, she did. 

Costia sat and thought about anything and everything relating to Clarke for the rest of the day.

When Roan found her that night when he got home, Costia was asleep on the couch with tear tracks down her cheeks.

 

\--------------

 

Abby and Jake were sitting in there living room going through old photo albums.

They were mainly going through the one’s dedicated to Clarke, but they pulled out the family ones too. 

They spent most of the day doing that.

The two of them sat together crying and holding each other and missing their youngest daughter on her birthday.

When Clarke went missing the entire family dynamic changed.

Clarke was the glue to the family in a sense. When she went missing Abby and Jake went through a very rough patch. It wasn’t until last year when things got back to normal. Or at least as normal as possible with Clarke not there anymore.

They were both devastated last year when the police stopped all efforts to look for Clarke. Her case was now a cold one and they didn’t know how to handle it.

The time that the two elder Griffins spent with their other two children did pick up significantly. They wish they had done more family dinners and stuff like that while Clarke was still with them.

Aden, who started college earlier this year, was on fall break but had left early that morning. He did tell either of his parents where he was going but had sent them a text every hour to know he was fine so they weren’t too worried about him. 

Even with both of them somewhat worried as to where their son was, they were quite distracted. The two just wished that their family could be whole again.

Together, Jake and Abby, sat comforting each other throughout the day mourning the loss of their second child. They thought they would never have to go through the process of grieving for one of their children, but how wrong they were.

 

\--------------

 

The Delinquents decided they all wanted to meet up for Clarke’s birthday. Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, Jasper, and Monty all met up at Octavia and Lincoln apartment. 

They reminisced about memories they had with Clarke, again. 

They cried over all the moments that Clarke missed and they will miss with Clarke.

They drank a lot of alcohol. Like a lot.

They cried for their missing friend.

They talked about if they truly think Clarke is dead.

They just talked and drank and cried.

That was their entire day.

They all got each other through days like today. It was what they were there for. They were all the support system the others need when they needed it. Today, all of them needed it because they were mourning the loss of one of their own.

 

\--------------

 

With Octavia having the Delinquents over to their apartment, Lincoln met up with Anya at her place.

Anya had never really liked Clarke, but they both tolerated each other. That’s not to say that she was not pained by the loss of the other girl.

Lincoln had not been much closer with Clarke. However, there interactions seemed to be less hostile.

Even though both weren’t great friends with the blonde, they were with Lexa. With Lexa being Anya’s little sister she felt the need to protect her. Lincoln was almost like a brother and one of her best friends.

Both of them thought that they should go over to Lexa’s place and be there for her. 

When they got there they rang the doorbell. There was no answer so they decided to knock. Still nothing.

Anya began to worry and since she had her own key, she took it out of her pocket.

Lincoln and Anya didn’t want to invade Lexa’s privacy, but they decided it was best just to make sure she was okay.

They searched around the apartment, but couldn’t find her in the living room, kitchen, or her office. 

The next place they headed was the bedroom.

The was still no trace of her.

Anya decided to check the closet just in case. There she found her sister curled up on the floor asleep holding one of Clarke’s shirts tightly towards her face. 

Lincoln came over and saw Lexa lying on the floor as well.

From the looks of it, they could tell that the girl on the floor had been crying before she fell asleep.

Lincoln left the closet for a short amount of time and came back with a blanket and pillow. 

Together the two of them gently situated the pillow under the sleeping girls head and draped the blanket over her.

With that the two of them left and locked the door to the apartment.

 

\--------------

 

Lexa had been crying all night. It was one of the few times that she has let her emotions over take her completely in the last year.

At sometime in the early morning hours she made her way over to the closet that her and Clarke once shared.

She grabbed one of Clarke’s big old t-shirts from the drawer and brought it to her nose. The sent simultaneously calmed her and destroyed her.

She missed those blue eyes, that golden hair, the bright smile, husky voice, joyess laugh, and just all of Clarke in general.

She soon fell asleep finally. It was mainly due to the exhaustion her body was experiencing, but also from the calmness the smell of Clarke brought to her.

Lexa began to dream during this sleep. 

It was strange, she hadn’t dreamt in a very long time.

She had dreamt of course, but they all turned into nightmares one way or the other so Lexa didn’t call it dreaming. She called it torture. Every nightmare that Lexa had was always in someway Clarke being taken from her, so she did not find it overdramatic to call it torture. Because Lexa’s life without Clarke was torture, so a nightmare where she loses Clarke was torture as well in Lexa’s book.

Lexa dreamed of Clarke. 

She dreamed of walking up next to her.

She dreamed of just talking to her.

She dreamed of Clarke’s smile.

She dreamed of Clarke’s eyes.

She dreamed of Clarke’s hair.

She dreamed of Clarke’s laugh.

She dreamed of everything about Clarke.

Lexa then began to dream of a future that she wished she had. A future with Clarke.

Lexa dreamed of a big house and Clarke being her wife. Of little mini Clarke’s running around and just a perfect life. 

Lexa awoke with a jolt. Most may classify what just happened to Lexa as a dream. Except Lexa wasn’t most and they hadn’t through what she had.

Lexa saw it as a future she could never have and something that she will never get. 

That so called dream devastated Lexa more than any nightmare she has ever had. 

She soon realized that there was now a pillow under her head and a blanket on top of her. This was a usual occurrence for Lexa, so she just assumed someone had been to the apartment earlier and found her like this.

 

\--------------

 

Aden, just like his oldest sister, had secluded himself. He snuck out of the house early in the morning so that his parents couldn’t stop him. The boy did send text updates to them every hour just so they knew he was okay, but he never told them where he was. That was his secret.

Aden was currently sitting on a boulder by Grounder Lake.

Even though the lake is technically a public lake and anyone could go there, Aden and Clarke had found a spot that they would always go to to just cut themselves off from the world.

The youngest of the Griffin children was now sitting at their spot thinking about his sister. He wished she would be sitting there with him, but she wasn’t. 

Clarke went missing when Aden was only 15. He didn’t really know how to handle the information well and freaked out. 

Clarke was always the one person in the family who could get him to calm down when his temper acted up. But, she wasn’t there so it kept happening for a little while. 

The rage and anger were soon replaced with sadness. Aden had to even take a few weeks off school due to the incident. 

Aden sat there for the whole day just wishing he could have his sister back. Even though he still had Costia the family didn’t feel complete without Clarke here.

It soon got dark, so Aden hopped in his car and drove home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well?!?! What did you think? 
> 
> Hope you liked it :)


	7. Update

So, this is not an actual chapter. This is an announcement. I have a lot going on in my life right now, both professionally and personally. I have become very stressed and have not been eating or sleeping properly. I am not in a great mental state as of now either. For these reasons and many others I have decided to take a step back. I have decided that I cannot keep up with life, work, and three fics all at once. I still feel a need to express myself and have a small escape from reality so I am going to continue writing; however, it will not be this fic just yet. I will continue to write ‘falling to get to you’ on a semi regular basis. Once I believe I can handle continuing multiple fics at once, finish writing ‘falling to get to you’, or am in a better place I will continue with this fic. I hope this does not make anyone upset I just need to take care of myself, and I hope everyone does the same. I love all of you guys and just hope that you are all living wonderful joyous lives and that you follow your dreams!

I am sorry if anyone is upset that I am continuing to write ‘falling to get to you’ during this time instead of this fic. I am in a dark place right now and writing dark things such as some of the themes in this fic, is not working for me right now. I hope everyone will understand why I have chosen the fic I have to continue with for now.

This is not goodbye, it is a see you later.

Thank you for understanding and all the support for this fic.

-Gormie


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